Tuesday, 18 December 2007

Dancing Davros

So I decided I wanted to get my friend something a bit special this christmas as she's helped out a lot over the past year. Now she has a collection of bears so I considered getting her a fancy bear, but she's got loads of those. Then I remembered that she's also a Dr Who fan and that I had one of these Daleks in the attic.

So a quick rummage around and I also find one of these bad boys, a genuine dancing hamster
A flurry of further rummaging procured me quite a stash of junk

First things first, skin the hamster and see how it holds together.

Not a pretty sight, but at least that carapace comes off easily enough. Now in these hamsters, the speaker and the batteries are all in the yellow base and there's a cam shaft that connects the body to the base so it rocks from side to side but we couldn't have that as it would make the thing too unstable, plus I was too lazy to work out how to secure it properly.

So I yoinked the wires, fed them through a hole in the dalek skirt, reconnected them and shoved everything under the skirt, classy.
Quickly stuffing the skin back on I notice a problem, even with it's belly taped the hamster head a lot of padding and is much too big for the base.

More foraging produces a small bear which I quickly slice down and tape in place, retaining the original hamster hands as the bear didn't have any, it's arms just abruptly stopped. Note the paint job, had to be done before the fur went on.

Then I was wondering how to attach the jacket, I tried using an old vinyl calculator case and supergluing it but that ended horribly, so I went and bought something I've been meaning to get for years, a GLUE GUN! Gods gift to lazy arts and crafts.

Through a combination of glue gun, insulation tape and black plastic bag I make little Dav a jacket and also the glue gun comes in handy for holding him in place on his chair.

The back plate is made from silver card, a beer can and a pci slot cover. The under carriage is made from parts of old scalextric cars and unscrews to change the batteries.

The chinese have an expression, "If you keep a thing for seven years, you will find a use for it"
If you look at davros' head, you'll see he has a bracket holding it in place, I made mine from the legs of one of these fellas.

All that was left was to attach the bumper and paint his balls, I used silver nail poilsh as anything else would have involved me going into town to the model shop and probably would have needed two coats.
And there you have it, Davros, creator of the evil Daleks, in bear form. Oh actually, there is one more thing, check out the video to see him in action.

Friday, 7 December 2007

The come back kids

Take that reforming? eh alright then. Spice girls? MEH! Boyzone? Didn't they only split up last week? fuck off, what's next? B*witched? Cleopatra? Comin' atcha?

But cynical cash in come backs are nothing new. In the late 80s and early 90s there was a mexican boy band known as Magneto (obviously huge x-men fans) They were pretty popular, over 40 gold discs, platinum and diamond as well, a film or two and loads of screaming groupies.
Then after a few years they got tired of it, or the constant bickering drove them all apart and they split up.
Same old story

Of course a few more years down the line and the money has run out, so the lads decide to get back together and put out a few more albums, except there had been too much bickering and they couldn't all reconcile. They were one member short.
So they recruited young
Ricardo Guillermo Abarca, at 18 years old he was very much the baby of the group, a bit of eye candy to draw in the younger crowd.
Young Ricky thought he'd won the lottery, the sexy lottery that is. Here he was in the middle of a band that were already huge stars, he was singing on stage, he was a star, he was the man. The others in the band were gettting a bit wrinkly so Ricky had first pick, he had hot and cold running groupies all over the place.
One day as they're landing at a gig in Guatemala, they step out of the helicopter and Ricky spots a couple of particularly nice young ladies that he'd like to spend some time in deep conversation with, he gives them a wink and a wave and......

Aid workers managed to recover his fingers and they were successfully reattached at a local hospital.
Ricky is currently appearing in a soap opera called "time of victory" and has learned a lesson about keeping his hands to himself

Thursday, 6 December 2007

Moisturise me!

Today: The moisturisers and a TARDIS chocolate

Yesterday: Bad wolf graffitti and a TARDIS chocolate

I also had a tirade about couriers delivering items to your neighbours and not telling you about it until you've spent an hour and a half getting to the office where they promised it would be

but I'm too tired now

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

Day 4

Today I got a picture of the TARDIS and a tardis chocolate and I also realised that Iopened the wrong day yesterday.

Monday, 3 December 2007


In todays advent calendar I got no chocolate but I did get a small black dalek.

Also, I think the cat may be jealous of the furby, hopefully she will pay attention to me now

Saturday, 1 December 2007

Things I bought

stuff I bought on todays trawl of the second hand shops

2 Doctor who audio books
1 Novel by the authour of withnail and I, can't remember the name of it it's downstairs and I couldn't be bothered getting it
1 Glentoran football scarf, for my dad although I'm not sure he'll get the joke
1 furby

Total cost. £2.25

Monday, 19 November 2007


If you call for tech support and you have a baby screaming in the background, I will hang up on you without a seconds hesitation

Get your fucking priorities straight you heartless bastard

Friday, 26 October 2007

Finally, something music related

Today we're looking at a the latest in portable MP3 doodads from Bang & Olufsen
First things first, it looks like crap. Maybe you can't quite appreciate just how crappy it looks, but take a gander at this pic here. I mean who the fuck designed this? Soviet housing block architechts that have been in a gulag since 1962 in conjunction with Ando Yatsimuta, the designer of the original sony walkman who had a rollerbooting accident on the launch day and was in a coma until this spring?
Secondly, it only does MP3, fair enough I don't watch much TV while I'm cycling but still, no video, no radio, no text files MEH!
but before we get too hooked up on preconceptions, lets have a look at what the the beosound (say it aloud, B-O Sound, doesn't sound so good) does have to offer

"it is not made in plastic, but polished steel"
so it's heavy then? just what I need in a portable music device that I carry in my pocket, a bit of extra weight

"But for all their virtues, discs are not a practical way to take your music with you. BeoSound 6 is both simple to use and easy to fill up with all your favourites using BO dopey software"
Really? and I thought I looked stylish with this wheelbarrow full of vinyl, fuck me and call me edgar, I'm converted.
How much music does this thing hold anyway, let's see, 4gig? well not a huge amount but it should be pretty cheap, let's have a look at the price, £400 quid
that's right

Fucking what? you can get a brand new 8gig ipod nano for a quarter of that and and 80gig video ipod for less than half price of this piece of tat.
Fucking hell, what do you get? surely there must be some redeeming qualities

"If you find yourself in adverse conditions like an ocean squall or a New York subway car, you will appreciate the grip of the soft-coated back"

So you're on the deck of your fucking yacht being tossed about by a storm or in the fucking SUBWAY in fucking NEW YORK and you're holding this paperweight in your hand where it shouts STEAL ME STEAL ME or I WANT TO GO SWIM instead of tucked away inside your fucking pocket

mind you, if you're the kind of wanker that pays 400 quid for an ipod knock off then you're probably the kind of wanker that doesn't have the brains god gave a left handed screwdriver
I mean, look at this guy over here=====>
Doesn't he look just a bit too smug to be allowed to integrate with normal society?

I'd call him a twat, but it's offensive to ladies and other female people

"The sturdy construction is thoroughly tested to survive accidental drops, scratches from the things that live in handbags, freezing cold, searing heat and the sweaty palms of your jealous friends."
Well, that's a plus point I suppose (if you have any friends), but for my money (and yours) I'd reccomend something like this bad boy here. It's 4gig for £40 a tenth of the price of the BO, it does music, video, text, has a radio somewhere, lightweight, doesn't need any dopey fucking proprietry software and as for versatility, mine survived a trip through a FUCKING WASHING MACHINE, put your fucking BO in the wash and see how long that shit lasts

So my final rating of the B&O Beosound6 is a healthy FUCK OFF out of ten

Thursday, 25 October 2007

If you write out all the highlighted letters in this post and re-arrange them, you can find a special secret message, answer at the bottom of the post

I was considering actually telling people that I have a blog so that I might actually get some comments on my post, but then I decided "Why spoil it?"

Anyway I had a bloke on the phone, lets call him A. A wanted to speak to engineer on case ###, so I looked up the case, there was no engineer, very odd as this was a high priority case, so I called the appropriate team (V) I spoke to M who informed me of the special secret rule which said that this case actually had to go to team E, I checked the special secret tool and it said the same. Never heard of team E but I give them a call, this routes me through to a switchboard who know fuck all about anything, so I call the team leads for team E, let's say K and L, they're not answering the phone or IM, so I call M in team V and ask if they can take care of this for now as it's the tech they can handle and A needs to speak to somone urgently. M takes the case but A drops off the line, M says he'll call him. a few minutes later M contacts me and asks me to contact the special secret manager for the special secret team, who the fuck is that? I ask, as I have no info on special secret managers. M tells me it's C. So I call C and he's a bit put out as he doesn't become special secret manager until next week and he's never heard of special secret team E, but he makes a few calls and manages to find out that the team leads for team E are off today so he asks me to send the case back to M in team V and he'll chase up special secret team E and get them to pick it up when they get back from their table football. So I call M and he takes the case.
Now because this has taken best part of an hour for an urgent case, I tell my manager about it and write it up so it can be escalated to his manager and so on. The special secret manager C has got hold of it and is doing some shouting about it and no doubt M has raised the issue with his manager, and then I get an email.
This email is from K, the team lead of the special secret team, the team lead who is supposedly off today. It's not addressed to me, I've just been CC'd in, it's addressed to A.
A who called an hour ago to urgently speak to the engineer handling this case.
Guess what?
A is the motherfucker that is supposed to be handling this fucking case.

ǝɹʇuǝɔ llɐɔ ƃuıʞɔnɟ ɐ uı ʞɹoʍ ɹǝʌǝu :ɹǝʍsuɐ

Friday, 12 October 2007


1 Take some of the randomly generated content from spam
2 Use babelfish to translate into japanese and back again
3 ?????????????

After this October you cannot know the next announcement glance which looks at that hugely.
If Wednesday it causes what with many and the is not.
It had the flexible dinner information of problem, it permits We to be possible or, as for the report.
paper me that beverage Saturday it puts out that.
The place where it is read sort of Sunday without the stand without the stand while becoming.
There is a place where it is. I other something explains what. Perhaps, why slower thing will?
April Monday which as for her chute of Poon me was surprised and eats it did, it was, it comes.

or this slightly more frantic piece, might go well with a bit of scat

Warning: The next adult announcement glance which looks at that slower explanatory Thursday was dinner of Saturday thing.

Interval of the cell of explosion sound is not opened.

As for the book the coke information which February you telephone describe it is not possible to arrive.
If something book the cord/code does the sort of February his et.

Thursday Thursday be something.
Perhaps for explaining the portable telephone of the beverage of work.
Portable telephone Monday of all sack to such as I him.
Flexibility between document office work coke of that June ruin.
Dignity of Sunday of will week third it arrives, it can use.

Will I our thing what?

There is October of the can glance. First all news.
Will bill tray mine December it went. As for that TV which is method afterwards. If cell June the mine be. The glance where the Mara place December Sunday which gushes eagerly goes. I describes the paper of ruin week of report. The cell wall dignity which is not October that. Perhaps bill tray Sunday the telephone which is you eat.
Does large number why destroy the flexibility of many cells?
It is possible, this December is lacking.

Without the stand of thought of thing the July 3rd mine which becomes it is possible.

Thursday, 11 October 2007

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Tuesday, 9 October 2007

And so it begins

the first in a long series of pointless meandering things that fall out of my head

There's a lady in the office, wearing a frankly bizzare outfit.
It's a frock, or a dress if you will, it has a kind of dark flowerish print on a black background, it's got what I believe is called a scoop neck with a low neckline at the back, it's got puffy sleeves, but the strangest thing is that she appears to be wearing a thin white polo neck below it.
She looks like she's been told to put on warm underwear and neglected to adjust what goes on top, like maybe an alien that's learnt about wearing human clothes from a book. Or maybe she's had a childs mind swapped with her own like judge reihnhold in vice versa.
Now that I think about it she did look somewhat out of sorts when she arrived, like she didn't quite recognise the place or know what she was doing.

Mind you a lot of people around here look like that

Wednesday, 19 September 2007

Hello I want tech supports

Ok, what's your username?
..username? what's that?
it's the name you use to login
..the contract number?
no, the username for the website
..can I give you the contract?
I can't help you without the username
..I don't know it
Have you ever registered on the website?
..maybe, I'm not sure
what's your email address? and I can do a search
*numerous attempts to decipher incomprehensible email address, can't find anything likely*
why don't I just give you the username?

kill me

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Not Top Chop

NEVER EVER get your haircut by a fucking bald man, what the fuck do they know about hair?
how does "get rid of this thick mess around here but leave it long around here" (accompanied with all appropriate hand gestures) translate into "please make me look like I've just been assaulted by a crackhead with a pair of pink plastic scissors"
this is the main reason I went to a hairdresser who had english as their native language
I aslo decided to go a bit upmarket to one of the fancier looking places so I wouldn't get some half stoned mong who has deigned to divert his attention from his xbox for just long enough to shave one side of your head half the length of the other side

yes I know you're supposed to keep an eye on what he's doing but he did the back and the sides alright and then he was standing in front of the mirror and tilting my head and before I realised what the fuckwit was doing it was too late

seriously I haven't been this upset about a haircut since the time I was 10 and my mum cut the top of my ear off or maybe the time I had a haircut that made me get included with the girls in the school photo

I think I'm going to have to have a cry

Monday, 17 September 2007

A cavalcade of morons

I've been trying for a while to get a proper tech job as opposed to a phone monkey one, I've just found a company that employees special needs children in their tech support so I'll apply there
well, whoever sent me this email must have some special requirements

From: Mongo the mongolian mongoloid
Subject: nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

I have a piece of paper with numbers on it, it has two numbers. The first number is not the right number, it does not work. What number should I use?
me want potty

well, alright, it's slightly abridged but it still contains the essential essence of the issue.
That's how I started the day, then just after lunch I got this genius

"Hello, I'm trying to register this thing and I've followed the instructions but now the website is asking me for a username and password"
{somewhat posh sounding english chap, sounds like he's about to cry for his mummy}

ME - "well do you have a username and password for this website?"
{I'm being polite even though the mere sound of his voice is enough to make me want to slap him and tell him to go change his own fucking nappie}

{whaddya want? A biscuit}

ME - "Well, have you tried to enter that username and password?"
{well of course he has, only a moron would phone for permission first}

"no, the instructions don't mention that"
{this sort of person is the reason coffee cups have "contents may be hot" on the side}

ME - "Well, why don't you try it now then?"
{I'd accept "I'm sorry I have no arms as a valid excuse}

"Oh, I've forgotten my password, should I create a new account then?"
{would you buy a new car if it ran out of petrol? Well you might, I daresay you've worn the same pair of y-fronts since mumsy went swimming and lost the note that said "Keep head above water and breathe"}

and then I ended the day with delightful conumdrum

.. "Hello, I can't log in to my account"
ME - "What's the problem?"
.. "I'm using somebody elses' username"
ME - "have you tried using your own username?"
.. "Do you think that's the problem?"
ME - "I'd say it's quite likely"

Wouldn't be so bad if it hadn't taken TEN FUCKING MINUTES to work this out as the little fucker outright LIED every time I asked him a fucking question

These people are not anybodys role model

Friday, 7 September 2007

Manky Feet Leechers

I was at a festival the other day and we went to see the Llanyfairathcramalamdingodongwhoopwhoopdatsdasoundofdapoliceisit male voice choir but they were ill so they called in a favour from their golf buddies the manic street preachers.
It was a pretty decent set, the Manics played their greatest hits and a couple of more obscure numbers. According to one official Manics expert (TM) who has been to see them seven times, it wasn't their best but still pretty good. But I don't want to talk about the music or the new guitarist who was hiding in the corner like a bold puppy, no I want to talk about Mr Nicky Wire.

Mr Wire pranced on stage like a bass wielding leprechaun sixth former, he minced up to a feather boa draped mic stand wearing very tight trousers with goofy red trainers and a black blazer with shiny little epaulettes, not quite the mychemicalromance hussar jobbies but getting close and he did pay tribute to the sartorial genius that is Adam Ant in another way.

He had flopy red hair, red like a jaffa cake muffin that you've just vomited up leaving a 20 foot streak on the side of a p&o ferry, although I'm not sure he had that in mind when he picked the colour. He had black eye liner and lots of black eye shadow which gave him a bit of a sad panda look although this was somewhat mitigated by the glittery warpaint stripes he had across his cheeks.

He spent most of the gig prancing, posing, strutting, leaping, gyrating and generally gymnasticating about like someone who is really too old for this kind of behaviour. A man of his age should really be having a nice sit down with some slippers and biscuits I mean the man must be about 40 or something.

But on the other hand he thinks the Killers are shit.

He's my new role model

Friday, 24 August 2007

Character assasination

near where I work is the friday market, it's a good place to get a sausage egg soda and is frequently described as being "full of characters" which often means mutants, uglies, alcoholics and incontinent oldies

As I was approaching the market today, there was this one lady in an electric wheelchair (not a fatty scooter, a wheelchair) she was like Jabba the hutt in tartan, burbling her way down the road. She reached a point in the road with cars parked on either side and stopped to eat from the bag of chips on her lap, maybe they were on her bosom it was hard to tell.
While she filled her maw with fried potato products, traffic queued up behind her. There was a small van right behind with two slightly perplexed chaps, one seemed to be saying "beep the horn, tell her to get the fuck out of the way" and the other was perhaps retorting "but she's a special! I can't toot a special" after a bit the lady finished her chips and burbled on, allowing the traffic to pass

She's my new role-model